You can learn a lot about people by watching where and how they park their automobiles. Hey, I’m serious here. Have you ever thought about it? I hadn’t either until I was listening to one of my podcasts that focuses on survivalism and “prepping” and the host tasked his listeners with paying attention to where they park in an effort to avoid being targeted for theft or worse. I started paying attention to my parking lot at work. It’s huge. There are lots of spots and they’re…well, spacious. I mean these spots are like a 8-hour spa for our autos. And when inclement weather takes the day there’s plenty of room between automobiles for a driver to sling open the door in an effort to quickly get in.
Ok, sorry, back to the picking of our spots. I know it depends on the lot’s size, number of spots, angles, location to the door where we’re going, our automobile’s size, as well as the number of open spots available at any given time. However, are you a “puller-though’er?” Have you seen these people? They drive around not looking for one spot but TWO! Well, I am one. Yep, and it all happened one evening in Perryville, Kentucky while visiting my wife’s grandparents at their farm. I borrowed my brother-in-law’s truck and I was backing it down the driveway when I slammed right into a huge oak tree. That point of impact was the center of my conversion. I remember saying to myself, “I’d be happy if I never had to back up a vehicle again.” I was raised by a “pull’er-through’er,” as my mom is one. We’re fine people actually, but don’t get mad when we don’t pull out the chips at the casino. We’re not that type.
How about “parallel parkers?” You one of them, too? Yeah, what a bragidocious group they are. They can’t WAIT to go downtown just so they can show up off their amazing talent. It’s their little Super Bowl and they put on quite a show, don’t they? Well, we need ’em. I’m not one of them, but I still treasure their talent when I’m with them.
How about the “I have a big truck so I’m gonna make my own spot” folks? Yeah, a small group of these types meet around 4:05 – 4:15 at my gym each day. Now, I can totally understand the huge, lifted white Ford Super Duty 3500. It’s larger than some drive-thru coffee stands I’ve seen around here. However, a Chevy S-10? Really? I’ve OWNED one of those and, quite honestly, we just aren’t big enough to pull this off. You look like you really have “little man’s syndrome” when you try this. Just stop. Park with us “up there.” We forgive you and we’ll…well we’ll try…not to remember what you’ve done.
We all know the “back’er in’er,” don’t we? As a self-described “pull’er through’er” I find myself waiting on these types a lot while trying to park my car the normal way. Deep down I guess I’m a little amazed as they have no fear of hitting something. They tell me they do this because they don’t like backing up to leave the spot? Uh, the only problem with that, folks, is that you had to back in to get there in the first place. They also tell me that they can “leave faster.” Uh, again, small problem – it took you 38 minutes up front to park the thing so you actually lost 37:21 minutes in the process. It ain’t efficiency, folks, it’s lunacy.
Lastly, how about the “I’m an Isolationalist and I’m fine with parking way out here by myself” folks? You’ll see Pat Buchanan here. They’re proud to get to where they’re going 2 hours early to make the trek. Now, I completely understand parking the BMW M5…but the ’99 Civic? In fact it’s almost so absurd for the latter that I almost think it flips to “honorable.” It makes me want to meet him halfway with a smile, a cup of coffee and the question “just what were you thinking?”